You can't know what you don't know
Why is it that most young female athletes lack confidence? First, lack of female coaches in the industry and two, lack of tools in order to be confident. What we forget to mention is that confidence is only achieved through self-respect, something that the female population tends to struggle with. Female empowerment is something us as females sometimes don’t show eachother, or ourselves. We constantly are searching for ways to feel loved and respected, unfortunately you do not just wake up one day having top notch self-respect and confidence. That would be like waking up one day thinking, “hey I can do a bicycle kick even though I have never practiced”. You can’t know, what you don’t know.
Confidence is something I believe is a skill, like riding a bike or kicking a soccer ball. A misconception is that confidence is acquired without help. In general it can be assumed that those who don’t know how to be confident cannot be confident. I am currently reading an amazing book called, You’re Not Lost by Maxie McCoy, and what I found was I didn’t know the actual definition of confidence. So for those of you who aren’t familiar, here is the actual definition from the book, “the level in which you believe your actions will have a positive outcome”(pg xvi). This book has been crucial in my understanding that small steps create big actions. Throughout the book there are mini “You got This” worksheets that are designed to get to know yourself on a deeper level. Not only has this book opened my eyes to how I treat myself, but how I should be treating other women. You are not alone in feeling unworthy.
Another powerful definition I found on Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary was, “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities”. The significance behind the word appreciation exposes the idea that being appreciated and respected by others does build confidence. For example, on every team I have ever coached or played on there is one player in which all the parents and players do not believe are good enough to be on the team. I have seen one too many girls quit the sport or switch teams for this exact issue. Therefore I am making my own definition of confidence, confidence is only built through self appreciation and respect from others. So whether you are the player right now that is being criticized for their spot on the team, or you are the one criticizing. Both are impacting your overall appreciation for yourself.
Like I mentioned before, building confidence is a skill that is taught. Something that is practiced consistently. It is about doing the little things everyday. Journaling and identifying what about yourself you don’t appreciate. Most female soccer players struggle with raising their confidence, whether they are a full-time player or a benchwarmer. Even those who seem confident on the field may walk off, take their jersey off, and become one of the most insecure females on the team. Female bodies are changing. Hormones are racing. And you are trying to juggling school, family, relationships and your sport all at once. So, how on top of that are you supposed to work on appreciating yourself?
Using your voice
Well let's start with understanding that not everyone has to like you in order for them to respect you. This means that in order to start practicing self respect, you need to practice how you let others treat you. Using your voice to take charge of how you want to be treated. Again, this takes practice. When a teammate barks at you on the field, or your coach uses a tone you believe to be disrespectful, that is when your voice needs to be heard. WIth the appropriate approach this can establish respect. “Hey coach, I don’t like when you yell at me like that throws me off my game. Is there a better approach we can find?” or “Hey [teammate], I don’t like the way you talk to me on the (field, bench, practice..ect). I respond better to ______.” Using your voice to assume the respect of your peers and coach should not be done out of anger but in a way to find compromise.
Stop being each other’s worst enemy
It is not uncommon that those who are closest to us have the most impact on how we feel about ourselves. As a coach, I heard many statements like, “she needs more confidence in front of the goal”. One that I would respond to with, “no she needs overall confidence.” This stems from players making mistakes in front of the goal and being embarrassed by coaches, teammates or parents about their decision. Our worst enemies are not only ourselves but also those closest to us. We are constantly assuming one needs to gain confidence, but how can one do if those closest to them are not confident in them. We have groomed female athletes to believe that making a mistake is WORSE than trying at all. Support your teammates through the mistakes and the greatness.
Mistakes do not define you, but make you, you.
The distinguishing factor between being confident vs cocky is the ability to not only be confident in your accomplishments but also in your failures. Let’s face it, when you’re on the field you are bound to make a mistake. That is just part of the game. But how you handle the mistakes you make will determine how others will handle your mistakes. The idea is that, after a mistake is made you understand the mistake but do not dwell. You don’t dwell because you know your mistakes don't define your overall ability.
The change starts with you. It starts by identifying not only your attributes, but also your faults. Understanding how you treat yourself will translate into how others treat you. Practicing using your voice when you feel you are not being respected. And finally getting to the point where your mistakes will not define your self worth, but rather will show you where you need more practice.
References
Confidence. (n.d.). Retrieved February 17, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/confidence
McCoy, M. (2018). You're not lost: An inspired action plan for finding your own way. New York, NY: TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.