Roles

Early in my playing career someone told me this… 

Coaches pick players like someone orders a scoop of ice cream. Some people like Oreo and some people like cake batter. Some people like chocolate on certain days and mint chip on other days. I don’t think I fully understood what it meant at the time, but now I do.

When I started playing soccer, I paid no attention to who was starting and who wasn’t, who played more minutes or who scored the most goals. I was there to spend time with my friends and to have fun. I simply ran around the field chasing the ball without a care in the world. This quickly changed as I grew up. The environment I was playing in became more competitive and I was very aware of my role within the team, who the starters were, and how many minutes I was playing. 

For the majority of my club career, I was a starter and key player. When I stepped on Stanford’s campus as an eager freshman, I knew that my role would change. I would no longer be a starter, but I believed I could be a sub who could help the team. My first week of preseason, I felt good. I trained well and proved myself in the fitness tests. But right before our first game of the season, my coaches pulled me into their office. They told me that I was going to red shirt. Meaning I would not play in any game that season and instead save my eligibility for the next year. 

I cried. I cried in the coach’s office. I cried talking to my parents on the phone. 

I felt like my coaches did not believe in me and my confidence took a hit. My freshman season was difficult. I felt disconnected from the team as I wasn’t traveling to away games. I felt frustrated with myself for not playing better in preseason. I believed that it was my fault I was red-shirting and felt embarrassed. When we won our conference at the end of the regular season, I didn’t even want to celebrate. In my mind I didn’t contribute to the team winning the trophy. I was wrong but that was how I felt. I neglected to think about the way that I worked in practice every day to make my teammates better. How I contributed to the culture of the team by cheering my teammates on showing up each day with a desire to get better and learn. When we made it to the college cup final four, I was excited but I felt like a fan not a member of the team. I wanted to learn as much as I could from the older players but I really felt like I was on the outside looking in. 

My sophomore season, I showed up feeling confident. I learned a ton and grew a lot as a player and person the prior season. I started in our first game of the season and we won. I felt like I played well and was so excited to be back on the field. After that, I did not start another game for the rest of the season.

My role was a sub. I felt good when I came in and even felt like I was playing well enough to earn a starting spot. But I didn’t. Unlike the year before, I did not let my role define me and dictate my confidence. I played with self-belief each time I stepped on the field. I knew I could contribute even if I did not start. I played as a sub the entire season.

Don’t get me wrong, this was hard. At times I felt defeated and frustrated but I made the decision to show up every day with a positive attitude. This time when we won the conference, I lifted the trophy and smiled in all of the pictures. I felt I had contributed to the team's success significantly more than the year before. This time when we made it to the college cup final four, I was nervous. I woke up the morning of the NCAA championship game thinking that I most likely wasn’t going to play but I was going to cheer my teammates on as best I could. 

I came on as a sub at the end of regular time. I stayed on the field through the whole overtime. I was next in line to take a PK, when my teammate scored and we won the National Championship. I cried, I celebrated. I knew that I contributed to this win.

I went on to be a starter at Stanford and a two-year team captain. Now playing professionally for the San Diego Wave, I have had a similar experience. I have not been named to the roster, been a sub, a starter, and an injured player watching from the sideline. 

I have learned a lot through these experiences and would not have changed a thing. I am grateful to have played so many different roles within a team. 

I learned that my identity does not lie in the role that I play on the field. My identity is not rooted in what I do, it is in who I am. I am so much more than a soccer player. It is hard and something I have to constantly remind myself of, but it is so important.

I learned that every role on the team is significant. For too long, I was embarrassed by my role when I wasn’t starting. I felt uncomfortable when people would come watch me play and I would sit on the bench or I wouldn’t be on the roster. Instead of feeling ashamed because I wasn’t starting, I learned to embrace my role. I learned that every single player contributes in a meaningful way. Our culture teaches us to idolize the stars of the show but forget about all the people behind the scenes that make the show successful. It is not easy training every week and then not getting a chance to play minutes on the weekend. Sometimes, to be honest, it really sucks. But the subs/non rostered players play the most important role on the team. And you have a decision to make. You can sulk or you can work your butt off and challenge the starters. Every successful team I have been on has had subs that add energy, positivity, and competitiveness. These are the people that create a culture of winning. Even when I do not play a minute in a game, I know that my contributions at practice were essential in helping my team win.

I learned that you can only control what you can control. This is the mantra of my career. Early in my time at Stanford, I let my role on the team dictate the way I felt about myself and my game. I gave my coaches too much power. I felt like it was all my fault when I wouldn’t play minutes or roster in a game. I was frustrated with myself when I redshirted because I felt I could have performed better. While at times your role is dictated by your performance, more often it is a function of the coach’s preference and opinion. Like I said before, coaches making decisions is like a person choosing their ice cream flavor. Just because a coach doesn’t play you on a given day does not mean you are a bad player. I have to constantly remind myself what makes me special and unique as a player to maintain my confidence. Whether I come on as a sub, don’t step on the field, or play 90 minutes, I believe in myself and my abilities. I control the controllables by working hard, having a good attitude, and being coachable.

If you are currently starting for your team, enjoy every single second of it. Do not take it for granted and continue to push yourself every day at practice.

If you are currently a sub/ non rostered player, keep your head up. I know it’s hard and can feel defeating. Remind yourself that you have the most important role on the team. That you get to choose how you want to show up at practice every day. How you want to respond. How you want to contribute to the team. And remember, you are a talented and special player. Your abilities are not defined by the number of minutes you play.

Enjoy the journey and remember that your role, whatever it may be, is important. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.