Switching Teams
For many years now, we have mentored players through their transition from one team to another. Players and Parents come to us with thoughts of moving teams, age groups or clubs. We offer advice, pros and cons and tools to move through those hard moments. We help players role play, communicate effectively and get down to their WHY of moving from their team.
This week, for the first time, I had this experience as a parent. Often times when we work with players, I have my player, parent and coach hat on anyways, but I often relate to players because I myself was in their shoes and experienced what they are going through. This week, it was a bit surreal and challenging to experience this transition from the parent perspective.
My daughter is a 2013 girls competitive player who aspires to get to the highest level in this game some day. As many of you know, she is one of the inspirations behind starting Female Footballers. When she decided to play competitive soccer at 8, I was hesitant as I feel that is a young age to get in the rat race that is youth sports today. Call me old, but I wasn’t in a hurry for her to be put in a system that wasn’t really made for her, it is instead a money making industry. So when it came time for her to play, I insisted that she still be able to play with friends, as that was a big buy-in for her and her WHY at the time.
So we joined a team with her close friend in her class. This friend just so happened to be a 2012. So although my daughter is a 2013 and fairly small for her age, we opted for her to play up to be able to play with friends. This team was the second team in the age group. The first six months of her competitive journey, she had three different coaches… The first was amazing, the second was fine and the third was great. She hadn’t let it affect her, so we didn’t let it affect us as her parents. We felt she was learning a lot, the pace was slightly faster than her age group and we figured this would help her learn how to use her body with girls who were larger in size than her. We really enjoyed her team, her coach, the parents and we felt she was happy, so we were happy.
That first summer with this new team, she was asked to guest play with the top team in her own age group, the 2013’s. It was the first time we saw what that looked like. The team was so sweet, the parents very inviting and the coach was awesome. It was clear that if or when she decided to switch, we’d be in good hands. The levels were close, but her 2012 team seemed to play a bit faster. So we felt there was no need for her to switch. And most importantly, she didn’t want to.
Fast forward to another coach change and the level seemed to shift a bit. Still in and out of guesting with her own age group it became apparent that the levels were quite similar now and at times the 2013’s looked to be stronger. The start of this past fall she was still not ready to leave despite the new coach. But after the fall season, which unfortunately was filled with many losses, her play seemed to become inconsistent, and she was left feeling a little indifferent. She longed for a more competitive environment at times and with players who were ready to take the game a little more serious.
These past two weeks she played in two tournaments. One with her 2012 team, and one guesting with the 2013 team. And after doing so, she came to it on her own that it was time to make the switch. She let her team and coach know and it was emotional to say the least. I think we forget that even though soccer has become so individualized at times, being a part of a group and team for a female athlete is important. When she told the group, most girls cried at practice. She got in the car and fell apart. She cried and felt so guilty and bad for letting the team down. This was her biggest fear coming true. Meanwhile, as parent, I felt a bit of the same. These families have become our soccer family. And they began texting me as well, telling me that my daughter was the heartbeat of the team and their girls were crushed.
When our girls have to navigate these hard moments, it's hard to know what they need and how to support them. I was cognizant to let her feel, but to not get stuck in those feelings too long. So after some tears and discussion at home, we texted the 2013 coach and let her know it was all a go. Her new coach was thrilled and sent a very kind text. She asked if she could tell the group and added us to the team communication app.
Now my daughter's experience was pretty mild and kind compared to many girls' situations that we’ve helped with here at FF. Many girls we talk to are shamed, spoken to unkindly, are the topic of the text string behind their backs and stared at later when they run into old teammates. It's a very hard concept for teammates to understand. So we wanted to share some of our tips in navigating how to switch teams gracefully from the perspective of both the player and the parent:
COMMUNICATION is KEY.
Make sure to communicate early and be completely transparent with your coach. When addressing teammates about switching, it's best to do so in person and with the whole group. Asking the coach for support is helpful as well.
2. FEEL ALL THE FEELS.
Don’t push feelings of guilt, sadness or anger away too quickly. When we brush the hard feelings aside, we don’t process them. If we don’t process, they will linger and come out eventually, often in a way that is not helpful but more harmful to ourselves and others.
3. It's HER DECISION.
Switching teams or clubs should come from the player wanting to, not the parent needing to. Many girls are content on their teams and parents feel the pressure to keep up with the Jones’, most fearing their child will fall behind. Make sure SHE DECIDES what she wants to do.
4. NOTHING IS PERFECT.
Remind yourself as the parent and your daughter as the player, that no team or situation is perfect and there will be ups and downs no matter what. Running from adversity only teaches our players that we bail when times are tough rather than sitting in discomfort. When we bail we stifle our growth. When we SIT IN DISCOMFORT IS HOW WE GROW.
5. IF TEAMMATES HATE OR BULLY, THEY AREN’T TRUE TEAMMATES.
Remember that true teammates want to see you win and succeed. If your teammate is angry or sad, that is fair. But if they show hatred, talk about you behind your back, spread rumors, or stop being your friend because you switched teams, THEY ARE NOT SOMEONE YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE. Our truest teammates lift us up, they don’t tear us down.
By Kassie Gray, FF CEO and Founder